Every Song Ends
by WhyDoesItAlwaysRainOnMe
Summary: ... Is that any reason not to enjoy the music? Blair has a dark secret, how long can she keep it to herself?


Hey. My name is Blair Waldorf, and I have 6 months to live.

Conversation killer right?

I can't even bring myself to say the words out loud, they just don't ever want to come out, so I kept them to myself. I know that's pretty selfish of me considering people might feel cheated out of knowing something so important but I figured if I wrote it all down, it's at least something for them to look back on. And maybe, they might understand why I've chosen to do what I have and why I haven't told anyone what's going on.

I'll never settle down, get married and have kids. I wont reach my 21st birthday and I'll never see my friends grow up. I'm going to miss so much which makes me even more determined to do everything on my list while I can. This is more of an account than a diary, an account of all the things I'm going to do before time runs out, before all that's left of me is memories and dust.

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Right, so this story might be a little confusing it is a tad too OOC for even my liking and I'm going to try and follow the timeline of the seasons from the start but if I get things in the wrong order you guys will have to correct me!

So basically it's starting where season 1 started off(ish) all I'll say is I'll try and include everything that happened but some things just wont go with the story so bear with me!

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On with chapter one?

Why the hell did she even come back? I don't know weather I should be worried or angry with her. Part of me wants to just ask her how her years been and tell her everything that's snowballed in mine but I would never degrade myself by doing that, not when my reputations on the line here. She had best not think that she's coming back to be queen. That role is filled and I would not budge if my life depended on it, actually saying that, she can have the crown if that's what she wants but she will have to wait till I've had my time. She would be lucky if I even appoint her as queen after me the way she's acted recently, like she doesn't care at all.

I know she doesn't care for a fact, I don't know why I talk like I doubt it. If she cared she wouldn't have gone in the first place, she wouldn't have left me when she knew everything was falling apart and I didn't know how to stop it. She would have said goodbye, or called, or anything. But she didn't and now she should face consequences for that.

Why is Nate so forgiving? He is so blissfully ignorant to anything Serena does it makes me nauseous. He is acting like she never did anything wrong. Why does she get the free pass off everyone when if it was anyone else who had done that they would be an outcast if they ever dared to show their faces again, which they wouldn't because they would know what was in store for them!

Okay I'm going to stop ranting but she makes me so angry I want to scream. Dr Smith told me that to deal with anger or any heightened emotions we should breathe deeply and think happy thoughts. Patronising right? And I'm stuck with him too, for two hours a week talking about rainbows and sunshine as if that's going to calm down my mood any. Well I've been breathing as deeply as I can and it doesn't help at all. Thinking of visiting daddy in France does though, I wish I was there, I wish when he had left id asked to go with him even though Roman was going to be there. I wish he had been there when I'd gone the doctors that first time, he has been to every other one of my doctors appointments with me before he left. That would mean that he would know, someone would know and I would have someone to talk to about all this.

Of course Dorota knows, but she's no help. She doesn't agree with me not telling anyone how bad it all is and she keeps looking at me like she's disappointed in me or sometimes she gives me the pitiful look which is even worse. I don't want pity, I don't need it and I will never accept it. She doesn't realise that every time she looks at me like that it just reaffirms my decision to keep this to myself because I don't want to be the poor little sick girl. I don't want people to look at me and know that I'm going to die soon.

If people found this out it would be like losing all my power, people would no longer fear me because they will know that there are no more consequences that I can hold down, I'm not going to be here long enough. I wouldn't be able to reinforce anything for much longer if they knew.

So that's why I'm now sneaking out of school, wearing the biggest pair of sunglasses I could find. A quick glance around relaxes my fears of anyone being able to see me and I can finally let out that breath I've been holding since leaving first period.


End file.
